Beautiful, Terrible

by Cruel Children

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1.
What a beautiful, terrible life. Full of wonders and full of such strife. Once you run out the door, next you’re dead on the floor. What a beautiful, terrible life. And they’ll watch you and squeeze you so tight. Trying to use all your brightness to fuel electric lights. Though I know we might die as we’re trying to fly, baby, I’m not going down without a fight. I’m not going down without a fight. What a wonderful, horrible time. Some will reason and all will forget to rhyme. What a cathartic scene, what a nightmarish dream. As it all falls apart, don’t bury your heart. Cause’ I know it gets hard, it gets so fucking hard. Just promise me that, you’re not going down without a fight. You’re not going down without a fight. We’re not going down without a fight. We’re not going down without a fight.
2.
A Promise 02:30
I need a helping hand, but you know, there is no easy way out. My Daddy’s hustlin’, oh my friends are making that sweet, sweet dollar on the hour, working harder, make it yearly. How can such a man ever be unhappy? He came to visit to talk about his life he said, that he’s already dead. Oh yeah, he’s going insane! Can’t help but thinking how soon I won’t have a single dime to my name. Won’t have a single dime to my name. Talk about going insane, talk about going insane. Are we just trading miseries round’? Pick your poison, choose your path: Would you rather die in shame or drown in the tears you cry from the dreams that are broken? I see your face in men over 50 who aim their bitterness like spit into starry eyes. I am so full of shame. My mama says that I’m blessed, I guess I cannot contest I’m not living on the street. Jealous of capitalist queens who make a killing off their making. Should I go back to school for banking? Go on to make that sweet, sweet dollar. Working harder, make it yearly. It’s that sacred American promise, but you don’t want my brains on the walls of your office. Should I trade in my miseries, for different ones? I’m just tryna, I just…I… …I don’t wanna die. I don’t wanna die. I made myself a promise. I made myself a promise. And you don’t want my brains on the walls of your office. You don’t want my brains on the walls of your office. I don’t want my brains on the walls of my office. I don’t want my brains on the walls of my office. I don’t. I don’t.
3.
All the knowledge in the world, it won’t assuage my fatal flaw, of loving what needs to fall away. And who am I to say what is supposed to stay? Well, I’ve got a plan to make it all ok. I’m gonna move to Detroit, i’m gonna start a farm. I’m gonna start a family of freaks. I’m gonna go to hell, I’ll get along quite well. I heard the rent is really cheap. And everyone worth knowing will be dancing in immortal shade, where Amy burns off her pain. Do the same for me…for me… All the colors that I see they never seem to go away. I’m hoping and fearing that they will follow me until my dying day. I didn’t ask to know these things that give me pain, like how we never gave each other love, we gave us skid marks in the mud. I’ve got a, I’ve got a plan. I’ve got a plan, ya, I’m gonna make it gonna make it make it make it make it. I’m gonna move to Detroit, i’m gonna start a farm, I’m gonna start a family of freaks. I’m gonna go to hell and buy a Condo super cheap. Cause’ everyone worth knowing seems to want to die and going fast. So if you burned up my name, I’d do the same for you, for you… for you…for you…I’m gonna go somewhere far away.
4.
Give it to me now, give it to me slowly. There must be some kind of drug or candy or IV that you could give me. Take it from me now. Take it from me slowly. By which I mean remove the dagger from my back. By which I mean thank god that it was ever there. By which I mean it is now healing its now sweetly, sweetly, healing. And if you see my bleeding heart, don’t feel sorry for me. I’d rather it be bleeding than be whole and calmly beating. I’d rather it be toxic than it fit neatly in boxes. I’d rather be in pieces than be smooth and without creases. I want my soul to explode, and leave nothing. I want my soul to explode, and make a clearing. I want my legacy to be an empty space just like my face. Say that you love me and I’ll call your bluff. I want you to say it so that I can call your bluff. I’ve seen them all run away. I’ve seen them all run. Don’t feel sorry for me, the best of us were all alone anyway. Don’t you worry about me, the best of us were all alone anyway. Don’t you fucking worry, the best of us were all alone anyway. And when I said I want to kill something don’t worry I didn’t mean you, I only meant I want my soul to be an empty space just like I appear. Now I can finally cry my fucking eyes out. And it’s making me feel so happy. Ya, I can be so very sad. And it’s making me feel so happy. I found the fragments of my broken soul, no longer stagnant and whole. But don’t forget how I had wanted it to be. I wanted my memory to be an empty space.
5.
I met a woman she said she was happy she wanted them out, she wanted them out, she doesn’t care how she doesn’t care how she doesn’t care how. Or where, or how, or even if they die. Just get rid of them so she don’t have to look them in the eye. Don’t like their skin, their talk “just get rid of them I don’t care how you do it”. I never met anyone, I never met anyone so selfish in my whole entire fucking life. They want to eat the world. They want to have it all. They want to take it all for themselves, they want to eat the world until there’s nothing left. I met a man he said its not his problem if you die of treatable disease he doesn’t care he doesn’t care. He only wants that second house and he don’t care if you’ve got to die so he can get it. He wants that second house that “American Dream” and he don’t care if you’ve got to die so he can get it. They want to eat the world. They want to have it all. They’re going to take it all for themselves, they want to eat the world until there’s nothing left. I never met anyone, I never met anyone so selfish in my whole entire fucking life.
6.
So Sick 03:13
They’re killing Rohingya in Myanmar but right here on the streets shot down in cold blood, bleeding out for their melanin, afraid of the retribution they’ll bring if they rise up. You say “It’s hate in remission” but I’m reading what you write, if I gave you a gun you’d do it. Ya, you do it. This place is so generous especially to killers. They say I’m part of the conspiracy, but nobody sent me an invitation. If there’s any easy money to be had by being me then point in the direction. These days these motherfucking sadists, they don’t even bother to hide their erections. I guess the fuel that we are running on’s an ocean of fear and the blood of a mother. And I’m so sick, so sick, so sick of this. So sick, so sick, so sick of this. So sick, so sick, so sick of this. So beam me up, yeah. I’m so sick, so sick, so sick of this. So sick, so sick, so sick of this. So sick, so sick, so sick of this. So beam me up, yeah. Ya, I’m not from here, never been. They sent me down, and ended the transmission. Ya, I’m not from here never been. But they better, they better, they better come and get me. You say I look just like your mother, well your mother must have been a fucking badass. I guess just cause’ I’ve got two tits you’re gonna project all your bullshit on me. Six long years, been six long years, and the water is still making them sick. Worthless hoarders think they’re gods and they’re casually committing to genocide. You know if there’s any conspiracy it’s pretty damn clear who is being bested. When all the fucking rape threats in the world are not enough to get a man arrested. Meanwhile, they take away a father, a son, for crossing imaginary borders. You can bleed out all you want but you better not touch a white hair on his head! And I’m so sick, so sick, so sick of this. So sick, so sick, so sick of this. So sick, so sick, so sick of this. So beam me up, yeah. I’m so sick, so sick, so sick of this. So sick, so sick, so sick of this. So sick, so sick, so sick of this…. So take me back. Take me back. Take me back! Ya, take me back to the mothership, ya take me back to the mothership, ya take me back to the mothership!
7.
Criminal 02:47
8.
Slow Hands 02:41
I’ve got slow hands, and a brain that moves way too fast to ever keep up with. It’s up and running but not well connected. Flash back to 14 years of age, I locked myself up in my room trying so hard to do what I’m doing now. My hands could not stop shaking. My brain in pain like it was being melted down. Like it was, beaten down. Looking at my feet, thinking about how I would tie my laces. didn’t know it, but I guess that I was thinking for too long, about those letters. And by the time I finally put them together I was a year too late. My mother stayed up nights thinking “dear god, what’s wrong with my child?”. Flash back to 16 years ago, you took so many tests and came back every week. “Oh maybe she’ll get better”. The doctors gave me names to call it, they said “She’s got…slow hands. Her mind is sharp but its not well connected”. I imagine the maps inside myself so convoluted and fading at my fingertips. Flash back to 14 years ago. You were in school after hours while your friends were all outside. Your mama said it just takes some time but my time is running out. I said, I said, my time is running out. My time is running out! My slow hands, they won’t learn anymore than they can.
9.
Down, down again, feeling everything and all. Give it all up for the sweetness of the fall. Reaching for the heat of hell, waiting for the day I fell. I cannot help if I want everything… So woo! I feel it pushing like the mist of my strife. Feel it around me like the waters of my life. My arms are stretching like the skin around my eyes… You don’t belong to me, but I belong too. You don’t belong to me but I belong to. You don’t belong to me, but stop by anytime. You don’t belong to me, but I belong too. You don’t belong to me, but I belong to. You don’t belong to me but stop by anytime…through the back door of my mind. Still burning sweet, eating heartstrings in bitter heat. Singeing my soul until its smoked, served up, and small. This kind of power is a fear that will last. Was always lurking in the secrets of my past. Wanted for fire to be a friend, but the furnace in my stomach doesn’t want this hell to end… So woo! My eyes are downcast with the clouds in your breath. Your eyes are mingled with an omen of my death. I never knew the moon could kill so well before… And woo! My height is shooting like I never thought. Your voice is frozen with the coldness that that I taught. This feast a semblance I cannot help but think… You don’t belong to me, but I belong too. You don’t belong to me, but I belong to. You don’t belong to me but stop by anytime. You don’t belong to me, but I belong too. You don’t belong to me but I belong to. You don’t belong to me but stop by anytime…through the back door of my mind.
10.
I think you’re cool. Could I ever be cool like you? You’re much too good for this place. But you don’t know it, no you never know. I’ve worked too damn hard to get where I am, but its not enough. Stop saying that this place is good for me. Cause’ I’m getting restless now, when does it start? No matter how hard I try to push it the world keeps moving slower. The whole world stops to get their pay, guess you can say its waiting on direct deposit. You’ve got long hair to muss and a back that you use for hunching. Why do the brightest of souls just seem to hate themselves so much? They’ve got to get the green but their minds are in magenta. There must be some kind of way to keep living without loosing the color of your soul. I want to suck the blood straight from the vein. Don’t care about the risk or the pain. You know I’m gonna take it, oh I’m gonna make it. I chill to get mine but I’m hot inside, not gonna spend the rest of my life waiting on a direct deposit. Wait! Don’t make it bad. You know you always take it, oh you always make it so fucking sad. why can’t you sing a happy song and chill? Well I’m so hot inside, I’m burning up a fever if I don’t use this fire as fuel, it will use me. And I’m not gonna let it burn my colors out. You’re so afraid! Why are you so afraid? You look away. Can’t even look me in the eye of my light. But don’t you know we’re all afraid? The whole world kills to get their pay, guess you can say that the devil is in the management. I chill to get mine but I’m hot inside, not gonna spend the rest of my life waiting on a direct deposit. Don’t make it bad. You know you always take it, oh you always make it so fucking sad. Why can’t you put a smile on and chill? Well I’m so hot inside. I’m burning up a fever, I’m gonna use this fire as fuel. Make up your mind. One second I’m a visionary, next you want to medicate me. Make up your minds! Cause’ I’m not the one with the problem here, I’m not the one with the problem here. Make up your mind! Cause’ we know who’s got a problem… Make up your minds…cause’ I’ve made up mine.

credits

released November 1, 2020

Vocals: Ella Frida Sanandaji
Drums: Adamegan Fernandez
Guitar: Ella Frida Sanandaji
Backup Vocals: Adamegan Fernandez
Cult Chanting on "Farming in Detroit": Adamegan Fernandez and Miles Stenhouse

Recorded & Mixed by Miles Stenhouse

Mastered by Frank Rathbone

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